Friday, June 12, 2009

Overwhelmed but NOT Overtaken

Today is June 12. My sister in law's birthday, and my niece's birthday falls on this day. June 12 has always been a happy go lucky day, that is, up until last year. One year ago today, Kris, Jacob, and I went in to the ultrasound tech room to find out whether our new baby would be a boy or a girl. I remember this day like it were this morning. We were all taking excitedly with the ultrasound tech (Julie) as she was explaining just how she can tell whether a baby is a boy or a girl on the screen. She then asks Jacob "what do you want, a brother or a sister?" Of course, he wants a brother. (although once or twice he thought maybe sister) The lights are turned off, and the exam begins. A few minutes into it, Julie gets serious and very very quiet. The alarm went off in my head, but I dismissed it as paranoia. I hear her talking under her breath, but can't make out what she is saying. After what seems like forever, she turns the light back on and tells me we need to do an internal exam because she wanted to double check some things. At this time, I knew something was wrong so I asked her. She told me that yes, something didn't look right but she needed to check and be sure so she could consult with the doctor.

After a few minutes, the internal exam was complete and Julie began to explain some of the things she was seeing. She didn't go into a bunch of details because she wanted the doctor to see first. She left the room and we sat there in a state of shock and worry. After several minutes had passed, Julie came back in with the doctor. As he began to explain that our baby had a fatal chromosome disorder, our eyes filled with tears. Tears of unspeakable panic and anguish. I remember saying "no!" , and then begging them to keep looking that maybe it was Down's Syndrome. I remember Jacob coming over and rubbing my arm over and over, not quite understanding what was happening, but knowing he needed to comfort his mommy.
I remember every question we gave was met with "No, I'm sorry, but it is fatal. We can do an amnio to confirm it and then you need to decide in the next couple of days if you would like for us to schedule an early induction. Most people terminate their pregnancies when they receive this diagnosis. Hopefully the next pregnancy will go better." I remember screaming, 'No!!! Do you have any idea how long it took us to become pregnant all on our own? We want this baby, we love this baby!" And all the while thinking, "This is NOT happening to me!" As you can imagine, many more questions, and emotions--- pain, anger, etc. went floating through our heads that day as we tried desperately to wrap our brains around this information.
That was June 12, 2008, at 9:00 in the morning.

Overwhelmed....then as well as now. I cannot ever describe to you the overwhelming anguish a mother feels when she learns her baby will die. The pain that it feels to be on the computer day after day, planning a FUNERAL rather than a NURSERY. Your dreams of your child playing with his brother, going to school, college, marriage, etc. all turned to ASHES. Or how it feels to tell your baby a million times a day how much you love him, and what Heaven might be like, and who he will get to see in Heaven...wondering every night if that bedtime story will be the last one he hears. If today is the last day he will kick in response to his big brother's voice. Or the jealousy you feel when you look on Facebook and see the pictures of every one of your friends' healthy babies. You try so hard to be happy for them, but it is so very difficult when you are dealing with so much pain.

Overwhelmed??? Truly 100% YES!!! Overtaken??? To this I say and emphatic "NO!" I will not let this tear our family apart. I will not let the devil take away all that is good! Will I ever get over this?? "No, I will not." Am I ever going to hold your baby??? Maybe not now....but if you let me do things in my own time, I probably will. When I am ready, and when I do not feel so much pain and/or pressure. Will I ever be whole again? Not until heaven. Am I ready to move forward? Little by little, I am making progress. In short, I am cut down, and for a season, I remain this way. But praise God, He can lift us up out of the ashes and make us beautiful once again!! I trust Him to do that for me...and though you may not see it, He is doing just that.
With time, with grace, and with His marvelous, unfailing love.

June 12, 2009. I remember last year. It still hurts. I still want to hold him and plaster his cute little face all over Facebook and MySpace. You have no idea how much I would give my life to see him chase after big brother Jake. But I am not going to be overtaken. I want to show you how someone can walk down the road of unbelievable anguish, and yet come out on top. I am like David, in Psalm 42:11 "Why are thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."


  1. Therefore, whatever we can do to celebrate and cherish the time Grant was here, let us do it whole heartedly and never fail.

  2. Jody,
    I still wish that I did not have to meet you this way. I know how you replay that day in your mind just like a movie because I have done the same thing over and over. I like how you said you will not be overtaken by this tragedy, it will take time but if you keep the faith that I know you have in the Lord I know that will be true. Big hugs to you and your family.


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