Where do we go from here?

I was going to get on here today and blog about our recent family vacation.  Now I am almost ashamed that we even WENT on vacation.  What were we thinking? I did ask my husband right before we left if maybe we should put it on hold since we are still trying to raise funds to pay our adoption fees. He said we will be fine and not to worry about it. So we went. And now today, he is telling me that while we DO have the fees covered to go INTO the matchbook; we still don't have enough money to pay for the placement of the baby. He is looking at things logically; I, of course,  am looking at things emotionally.

What happens if we go in the matchbook and we get a hospital call a week later or someone picks us to parent their child in two months? (not likely, but still  possible I guess)  We have to have the money to give the agency upon placement of the child, simple as that.  And WE. DON'T. HAVE.IT.

I'm sure I will be fine in a couple of hours, but right now I'm sad, angry, frustrated, and disappointed. I just want my daughter. I just want another child like every other NORMAL mother. Why can't I just get pregnant like most NORMAL  people? It's so much easier just to conceive and only wait nine months and your insurance pays for a lot of it. Why does it require thousands of dollars everytime I want a baby???! You know, the same old whining I always do...same old questions, same old "no good answers".

And if I say anything to anyone I always get the same answers-- "maybe you were only meant to have one living child". or "well, be thankful you have Jake" (as if I'm not)  or my PERSONAL favorite "be glad you only have one kid, having more kids is hard work".  When I hear that I feel like they are saying I should be glad that Grant died because having just Jake is so much easier.  That makes my heart hurt. So for the record here we go:

• I don't CARE how much extra work it is. I would like to have another child! Isn't that why YOU had another child?
• My son is tired of growing up alone.  Just two weeks ago he was crying in his bed because he wants his brother back.
• We want to help someone else who is hurting. Many birthmoms do not know what it's like to really know love. They have gone through unspeakable things; a great majority of them do not WANT to have to give up their role as a parent but because of circumstances they have no control over they are forced to make that decision. When they come to our agency they find love, support, and sometimes they find the Lord.
• Last, but not least, we feel our family is incomplete. Of course, without Grant it will never be FULLY complete; however, we feel like another child will only add good things to the family that we already do have here on earth.

At this point, I really don't know what is going to happen. And as disappointed as I am, I am going to need to step back and trust that God knows what He is doing. Maybe it's time to stop doing and start doing more LISTENING. "Be still, and know that I am God." Realizing that I cannot fully see the big picture yet; and mind you, it's HARD to focus on that when most of your friends and family are expecting babies again and you are still waiting in that back corner wondering if you will ever get your turn.  But if I keep pressing on and keep encouraging myself in the Lord, I know that one day there will be blessing and peace- not necessarily in my time, but in His.

Thanks for your continued prayers as we walk this road.