Friday, September 4, 2009

The Awful, No Good, Very Bad Grant Day

I usually don't like to let this much time slip by before I update my blog; however, things have been a bit hectic around here lately. First, we celebrated Grant's first birthday in Heaven the week of August 14. Because my husband works such crazy hours we had to make the ginormous cupcake and purchase balloons for the cemetery the Wednesday before. (Kris has Wednesdays off) Two days later, we had family and friends over for more cupcakes, food, and a balloon release to celebrate the short but very sweet life of our son.

After that birthday party, it was time to get ready for our other son's birthday. I don't know about you, but I get exhausted just doing one party every year! Now we have two parties to do and in the same month at that! The funny thing is, because we went to Disney Land back in May, we told Jake that his birthday party this year would be very small. (and in our minds, "inexpensive".) By the time we were done, we had twelve kids plus all their families, including my dad, my brother, and his two boys. I wonder every year why it is that I do this to myself. (and then I look at my little guy and I know EXACTLY why!)

So here are a couple pics from Jake's CARS party; more to come on Facebook later.

Now that both parties are over with, I began this week concentrating on getting the baskets together for Operation "Granting Hope", as well as making phone calls to area hospitals. Those of you who are fans of GHM on Facebook most likely have heard that we will be distributing baskets and handmade burial gowns to Banner Desert Medical Center next Tuesday afternoon.
From about Sunday to Wednesday this past week things have not been good for me emotionally. Hence the title to this post, "The Awful, No Good, Very Bad Grant Day." These difficult days are happening less and less, but when they do occur, it's really all I can do to get out of bed and face the world. So I had three difficult days this week- which is quite unusual, actually. I don't know if it's because the one year anniversary is over, or if I'm just frustrated that we are having trouble conceiving again, or that I'm worn out, or a little bit of everything combined. Sometimes it's just a memory that triggers it. For instance, my neighbor and I are pretty good friends and we like to hang out sometimes. Last night we went to Michael's to get materials to make a few more baskets up. As I was looking for 3D stickers for the memory boxes, I saw some that were all about being brothers. They said "my brother is my hero", and "brothers to the end", "Because I have a brother I will always have a friend" and so on. I just absolutely hate the fact that Jacob doesn't get to have his little brother. Periodically, he also voices this fact. He is five years old, he's a smart kid and he sees that everyone around him gets siblings and oftentimes will ask me, "Mommy, why did God take our baby?" or "Why don't I get to have a brother or a sister?" These questions just absolutely kill me. So it's things like this that come up that put me in this awful kind of a funk. Or things like, the tv announcement the other night that the Duggars are having their 19th child. Yes, I am angry, yes, I am frustrated and I know that everyone of you would be too if you walked a day in our shoes. And I ask, "Why, Lord, do you allow that woman to have so many children, yet our hearts literally cry out and have cried out for YEARS for another child?" Why couldn't God have taken one of her children instead of little Grant? At least she can just keep on having more; Kris and I cannot. I don't know the answer, and neither does anyone else, I realize that. So every day is a struggle; I get up every day asking God to please heal my heart. I ask Him for grace so that I can get through the day without being angry at our situation. Some days it works, and some days my flesh kicks in and takes over.

I will never be happy with the fact that we had to give up our little Grant. However, I have two choices. I can kick and scream all day everyday and get nowhere; or, I can pick up the pieces of what's left of my heart and use them to help someone else. Pastor Mike preached the other night about being passionate about something. Well, this is my "something". I am passionate about helping other bereaved mommies get through this awful anguish of loss. If you all could see, if you could go through what Kris and I have gone through for just FIVE minutes, your whole life would be changed. You would understand why it is we cry, why it is we hurt, and why it is that we need to help other grieving people. If you could experience the total ANGUISH that these families go through and will go through for just these five minutes, you wouldn't even hesitate two seconds to donate a dollar, or five dollars, to see to it that they get these baskets and find some comfort and peace that only comes from the Lord. I hadn't planned on bringing this up at all in this post, but apparently now I have. Please prayerfully consider what God might have you do to help us. If it will help, Kris and I are working on breaking everything down so that you can see an approximate cost for each basket, as well as put in writing all materials needed in this effort. It may be you could also donate some items, rather than money, and we would welcome this too. So look for all this information to come. I will post it via the blog and Facebook too.

To date, we have eight baskets ready, and two of our friends are sewing burial gowns. After that, we are financially pressed to do anymore. The bereavement coordinator has implied that they will need more; and that they also share with the other hospitals. We know that this is what the Lord wants us to do with the death of our son. So we know that He will provide and take care of things. If you cannot donate monetarily, then we ask that you will lift us up in prayer that the Lord would send others who are able to donate.

As always, thank you for taking time to listen to the ramblings of a bereaved mother. Though you know it or not, it does help to put my thoughts down and to read all the encouraging comments you write. Kris and I know that it's through this, and all of your prayers that keep us going. Some of you have been here praying ever since little Grant was a tiny peanut, through his fatal diagnosis, his homegoing, and beyond. We are forever grateful. Please don't stop- we still need you! Thank you!

1 comment:

  1. I had an awful, no good, very bad day this week, too. A couple, actually. May the Lord bring sunshine to your heart this week!


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