Thursday, December 2, 2010

Changes

I have never been fond of change. Change brings about feelings of uncertainty and the unfamiliar. The biggest change in my life happened two years ago when I lost my little boy. Since that happened, life has completely changed- I have changed- and with it the realization that I can never be the same person I was before. 

Another change is going to be happening in just two weeks- we are moving. Just across town, so it's not like we are moving across the country or overseas- but still, we are moving, and it involves a whole new house and neighborhood.  I have mixed emotions about it all. First, I was angry. You see, the reason we are moving in the first place is because we have lost our home. And as usual, we had to do it in order to grow our family.  In order for us to be able to be certified to adopt, we have to be financially secure- meaning, there is a certain amount of income you have to have extra after all your bills have been paid. With our mortgage payment, we came up a little bit short of this number. So we had to decide-- our home, or walk away from our home so that we can have our child? Obviously, we have chosen our child. There were a few things that we had thought would work out-- one of them being, a teaching position for me this year. At the last minute there were not enough children for the extra class so the school decided not to add it. It's nobody's fault- things just happen sometimes. So in an effort to save money I am homeschooling Jacob this year. And now, even that is not enough for us to be able to keep our home.

So...I've been angry. Who in the world works this hard to have children? I sometimes feel like we are the only ones. Every single time we try to have a child, it involves hardship-- be it thousands of dollars, or other sacrifices. Some days, honestly, I try really hard to find some humor in it just so I don't either cry or completely lose it. For real- with all the money we have spent on fertility treatments, high risk pregnancies, and a funeral- we could've scored ourselves a really nice Lexus by now. Or how many vacations and/or visits to see family we haven't seen in years could we have taken by now? Or when I think of all the different things we have done to try to conceive (and all the embarrassing and invasive treatments & procedures at the fertility clinics) I don't know whether to laugh or to eat a whole pint of ice cream in front of the television just so I don't have to think about it anymore. And now, the recent developments in the adoption process that will slow it all up even further-- I mean, WHAT IS GOING ON???? All we ever wanted was to have a couple kids (preferably kids who are LIVING) like every other "normal" family. And yet we sit here, day after day with the hard cold reality that it is NOT happening. At least not in the time and way we wanted it to happen. And before you even THINK about judging us, think about how that would make YOU feel. I guarantee you, you would feel the EXACT same way.  And I dare say that most of you would react in a similar fashion as well.

In two weeks we are leaving the house that has known four birthday parties for our son in it. We are leaving the house where I lay on bedrest for two different FAILED frozen embryo transfers. We are leaving the house that we conceived our miracle child, Grant. We are leaving the house where I laid for 5 months on bedrest with Grant in. We are leaving the house where we have laughed together, made memories together, and huddled in grief together. We are leaving the house we worked so hard to paint-- which may seem silly to you, but to us, well- it was our therapy in our grief. So it is IMPORTANT & SENTIMENTAL to us.

As hard as this all is, I know that if we can just keep focusing on new beginnings, it will be good for us in the end. At least, I really truly hope so. There is a song that I have heard on the Christian radio channel here. It's called "Better than a Hallelujah." I get so sick and tired of people who think that just because you are a Christian you have to pretend your whole life is just the greatest ever- no matter what you go through in life- no matter the pain, you must smile and press on. What ever happened to "Bear ye one another's burdens?" We learned in church the other night that even Peter had struggles in his faith- case in point- he walked on water until he took his eyes off Christ and looked at his circumstances. It is okay to ask for help, or prayer, or anything else you may need in whatever trial you are facing. It is okay to grieve when your child has died- for as long as you need too, I might add. It's okay to be heartbroken, to realize that you will never again be the happy go lucky person you were before your child died. From everything I have heard and read, losing a child is the absolute worse thing one can ever experience in their lifetime. So I can't imagine it not being normal to feel a little anger at God- He knows that,and He is big enough to understand that. After all, He made us. He created grief as a way for us to be able to heal. That being said, I believe that the honest cries of a broken spirit are much more effective to God than that of someone who walks around pretending that all is well when it's really not. To make sure that you understand exactly what I am talking about (I am NOT the most eloquent writer--didn't exactly pull straight A-s in Lit class) here are some of the lyrics to "Better than a Hallelujah".


God loves a lullaby


In a mothers tears in the dead of night


Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.


God loves a drunkards cry,


The soldiers plea not to let him die


Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.






We pour out our miseries


God just hears a melody


Beautiful the mess we are


The honest cries of breaking hearts


Are better than a Hallelujah






The woman holding on for life,


The dying man giving up the fight


Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes


The tears of shame for what's been done,


The silence when the words won't come


Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.






We pour out our miseries


God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are


The honest cries of breaking hearts


Are better than a Hallelujah






Better than a church bell ringing,


Better than a choir singing out,singing out.






We pour out our miseries


God just hears a melody


Beautiful the mess we are


The honest cries of breaking hearts


Are better than a Hallelujah


This song has really blessed my life.  If you would like to hear the full song with the music, you can listen HERE.

Blessings,








2 comments:

  1. Jody, Change is so difficult. Even with everything you have been through some might say you are use to it by now. Grief can slap you in the face suddenly especially when your traveling a road that is a little bumpy.

    You are always in our prayers and we continue to pray your all very blessed in your efforts to adopt.

    Peace be with you my friend.

    Carla

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  2. Jody...those lyrics are amazing! Let me just be blunt and say that anyone who judges another persons grief is dumb(and that's me judging them, oops!). You are perfectly normal in your feelings and anger/sadness about moving. It was really hard for me to leave "Evan's house" and we were only there for a little over a year. We weren't in the situation you are in, or faced with the choices you were/are faced with. You are an amazingly strong, beautiful person. It's ok to be mad at God too. He understands, he knows what is in your heart. You are going to get your little girl soon and eventually you will know that everything you have been through, as hard as it's been, was worth it. You are in my prayers!!!

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