Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Peace in the storm

The last two days have been somewhat difficult for me. I think I am regressing. Or is it DEgressing? Guess I should consult the dictionary on that one. This pain they call "grief" can be extremely overwhelming at times. I could describe it in many ways- the way you feel when you stand in the ocean and the waves come crashing down on you; or the way you feel when all of a sudden the room is spinning and you need some air; or when something hits you in the face or you fall down and it knocks the wind out of you. Beyond that, you have to truly experience it yourself in order to understand how painful grief can be. I've grieved for many things throughout my life. My grandmother passed away when I was 14 and I remember how sad I felt back then. A good friend of mine passed away after high school; and in college I got my heart broken by someone who I loved very much. (and yes, broken relationships are officially included as a loss in your life and you do grieve them) After college I lost my other grandmother and soon after that my other" little sister " Megan (my sister's best friend) died in a car accident. Four years ago, my grandfather, who I was extremely close to and this past year my friend Karen. So I am no stranger to grief. As difficult as it was to lose all those loved ones, none of them even comes close to the depth of anguish I felt when I lost my son. I know I posted this someplace earlier in this blog, but I am posting it again. "When a husband loses his wife, he becomes a widower. When a wife loses her husband, she becomes a widow. But when a mother loses her child, there is no word for that, the loss is so great." I completely understand this now. The most frustrating thing about it, is that no one else is able to even remotely understand this, unless they have themselves lost a child. The loss of a child is a deep anguish, and a deep isolation from all that is familiar. There are some people who I have decided that no matter how many times I try to explain it, they are never going to understand so there is no point in talking about it anymore. Don't get me wrong, most people have been so supportive and loving to us and we have appreciated them for it; however, as you know, there are always people in every circle that think they have all the answers and they are more than willing to share their opinions with you regardless of how it makes you feel.

Then you have those folks who are just plain ignorant. They mean well, but they have absolutely no clue and they just say the first thing that comes to their mind. You know, things that you already know, but it does nothing to make you feel better because it's not going to put your baby back in your arms. For instance, "remember he is in Heaven", or "he is so much better off". Yes, I do remember he is in Heaven. I remember it every minute of every day. And I wish he was HERE like everyone else's babies are here.

Just in the past few days, I've been subjected to baby shower invitations, baby dedication (and no I did not attend either) and all kinds of pregnancy news. So I had a little bit of a meltdown yesterday. It was one of those "when it rains, it pours" kind of days. A lot of my problem is most likely due to the fact that the one year anniversary of our son's death is almost here. My emotions are a little crazy this month, not knowing what to expect. I have had a couple people write to me and tell me that the actual birthday itself isn't bad at all; it's more difficult to go through all the days leading up to it. I think they might be correct! What I cannot get out of my head is how I want it to be August 14, 2008 again. Yes, as horrible as it all was, I want it back- because I would get to have him back in my arms. I am starting to forget how he felt, and how he smelled (even when they are stillborn, they still smell like babies!) Recently I went upstairs and got out Grant's blankets and cried when I couldn't smell him anymore. All I can tell you is that no matter how strong your faith is, no matter how strong a personality you may have, losing a child changes your life- you are never the same. So at this moment, I am trying to keep trusting that there is a light at the end of this very long tunnel, that God knows what He is doing in spite of my doubts, and that somewhere beauty is going to rise up out of the ashes.

For these next few weeks, I humbly ask that you keep our family in prayer. Pray that we keep hold of our faith, and our sanity. Pray that we can continue in the healing process so that we may help others to be able to heal. Pray that God gives us peace through our storm. And pray for us as we take care of and love on our child who is still here with us.

Thank you!

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you during this unimaginably painful time. I am co-founder of "Whispered Support" with Carly and also run "Only say it with flowers." I'm here any time you need to chat. xxx


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