Tuesday, March 23, 2010

But still I have these questions

Last week was spring break for us, and we spent the last day of it with our friends Chris and Leah.  It turned out to be even more fun than usual- we began the day eating tons of good food; the kids played hard,  Leah and I got the memory albums for Granting Hope done, the guys got the vehicles washed inside and out for us, and we ended the day with more good food and the cat going into labor!  I couldn't believe it! And to make it even more interesting, one of the kittens had to be delivered breech.  We thought sure the kitten wouldn't make it, but the little guy came out breathing and all wiggly.  By this time it was after 10 p.m. and we were exhausted as we got into the truck for our drive home. The kittens were a perfect ending to a perfect day.

I have now officially been in a funk since Sunday.  Although I know that it is a normal part of the grieving/healing process, once in awhile it will catch me by surprise.  It started during choir practice- I walked in a little bit late, sat down with my books, and we were just finishing up a song.  And then it happened- just as I was thumbing through the pages to find the next song the first few notes of the music began and I completely froze.  It was the song that the choir had sung at Grant's funeral, the song I used to listen to for comfort when I was on bedrest while pregnant with him.  Right now, the song just makes me sad; and the physical reactions I experience are not very pleasant.  My whole body shakes, and I can barely keep the sobs from being audible.  The only thing worse than hearing the song is having to sing it; and the only thing worse than having to sing it, is having to sing it TWICE.  After the first run through, our choir director wanted to hear it up on stage.  I think  I should've just walked out at that point rather than subject myself to the humiliation, but I wanted to try to sing it because part of me is just so sick of feeling this pain and if I can sing it, than maybe it will be one more piece of the pain that I have worked through.  No such luck though; I didn't do much better the second time and afterwards I was able to get away and hide myself in a locked bathroom for awhile. 

I don't understand all of these feelings; obviously this is the first time I have lost a child, so I am learning as I go. Feelings of hurt, pain, and embarrassment happen to me at the least opportune times.  Sometimes I am able to work my way through it, other times the above experience takes place and then I am back to feeling like I'm not going to make it all the way through this.  I'm not too sure what others are thinking, but if I were to guess, I'd guess they are either thinking "it's been over a year, time to get over it" or "she needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with it."  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- there is no pain like the pain of losing a child.  You have to live with it every day of your life. You live with the memories, and the lack of memories.  You live with the dreams or rather, the nightmares; and you live without the dreams you had for your child.  Every milestone, every year, you see everyone else's child but yours is gone, not here,  DEAD. The reality hits you hard, like a big ocean wave crashing over you. What makes it doubly hard for me is that I see many other angel mommies able to get pregnant again while my womb is still an empty tomb and sometimes I just wonder why. Is it because God doesn't think I'm ready for that yet? Or perhaps it's because His plan for our lives are this upcoming adoption?  (which I'm fine with, and really excited about, but have to admit that our infertility has always been a huge test of our faith)

So, Lord...still I have these questions. "Why?" "Why is this life so unfair?" "Why couldn't my baby just live?" "Why are horrible people allowed to have children?" "Why are people who do wrong blessed with a child? "How can God sit up there and see all the sorrows of this world and seemingly not do anything?"  Many of these questions are never going to have an answer until we get to Heaven.  And the only thing that comforts me in all of this is this simple fact: God's promise.
You see, the Bible tells us that man is born unto trouble.  God doesn't tell us that we might have trouble; He tells us that we WILL have trouble.  So why are we so surprised when we run into trouble?!  The best part of all of this, though, is the promise that He has given that it will not last forever.  He will be back one day to get us; and when He does, He has promised to make it all right.  Every wrong, every sorrow, and every pain that has happened in this life will be made right.
So when the hard times come, when the sad thoughts resurface, we can take comfort in the knowledge that this too will pass away.  We live far too much in the temporal; when we should be setting our focus on the eternal.

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-
If I can remain calm and quiet
With all my world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge
God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me--
If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too--
Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all the chains
That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

~Helen Steiner Rice


  1. Love your kitty story! I LOVE animals!!!
    Our grief is our own...people will be ignorant(I haven't experienced that yet towards me, thankfully). Those ignorant people will be judged one day, until then we just have to grieve in the way that is healing to us. There is no right way, and I have been wondering lately if the way I was feeling/grieving is wrong too. Different circumstances effect how long a person would grieve after losing a baby...if they have trouble getting pregnant, or can't get pregnant after the loss, their hospital/delivery experience, and their support systems(just to name a few). There is no wrong way to grieve, and that is a "gift" the Lord has given to us in order to heal(no matter how long that healing takes) after tragedy.

  2. Oh Jody. I find I have those moments at the worst times, too and wonder what people think. But you know what, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it has been 4 months or 3 years, they are our children and we will ALWAYS miss them. And we have the RIGHT to ALWAYS love them and miss them.

    I also understand the empty "tomb". It's been 6 months since I lost Hannah. I got pregnant again and m/c. Now I still have the same infection in my reproductive organs from Sept when I lost Hannah and they never treated properly. It's hopeless. I think your adoption journey is wonderful, however, and my husband and I have considered doing the same.

    Lots of love to you,
    Katy xxx

  3. If by chance someone is saying, thinking or believes you should get over the loss of precious Grant. Well I don't quite know, but to heck with them. I always think when we hit a rough patch, "here we go again". Honestly, I truly believe that behind the wave of grief is going to be another blessing. You are Grant's momma, his voice, his continued existence... through you he lives on, even in moments of grief and heartache.

    Sending you love


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